How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Yesterday as the hot wife and I sat in the Dairy Queen drive-thru waiting for heavenly bliss, also known as a snicker's blizzard, she turned to me and asked me if I was ready for my new name to be Daddy. I don't know, women are weird like that. They just ask you the weirdest questions, and they come out of nowhere. We weren't talking about the kid, or being parents. Just sitting there, waiting.

I don't expect being called Daddy will be all that strange. I didn't give it much thought really, but no, I don't think it will be all that different. It wasn't that different when I went from boyfriend to fiance to husband. By the way, doesn't being called fiance make you feel all yuppyish? I never really got used to it.

Anyways, I didn't really think about the Daddy discussion much until we had the hot wife's sister and her three boys over later that day. The two older boys were watching a movie and I was playing some online poker on the laptop on the couch. The older boys pretty much stay to themselves, but the youngest is at the age where he clings to you and wants to be a part of everything you do. Which is a new thing for me. I will get over being called Daddy in about three seconds, but a clingy little boy I may never get used to. And the questions... and the questions... and the questions...

"Uncle Nick, are those wolves?" (in the movie)
"No, they're Siberian Huskies."

"Why are they white?"
"Probably so they blend in with the snow."

"Are Cleo and Natron Huskies?"
"No, they're Rottweilers."

"What if they were Huskies and Rottweilers?"
"Then......... they would be Huskweilers."

"Can you break the tv with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the Nintendo with your foot?"
"Sure."

"Can you break the tv with your ear?"
"..... probably."

"You cannot, that's impossible."
"No, it's not, I do it all the time."

"Can you swim in a lake?"
"Sure."

"What if the lake was 100 feet in the air?"
"What? How is a lake 100 feet in the air?"

".... can you break this table with your ear?"
"No, my Dad made that table."

"What are those?"
"Those are poker chips. Don't touch the computer screen."

"What will happen?"
"Don't touch. You will break it."

"What color will it turn?"
"Don't touch. It won't turn any color, it will be broke."

"Will it turn black?"
"Yes."

".... can you break the computer with your foot?"
"Why don't you go ask Aunt Amy to grab Uncle Nick the fullest bottle of liquor we have?"

Uncle Nick

Time for a new look

I'm trying out a slightly different look for a while. The blue was making me nauseous.

If you can't see the different backround/banner, try clearing out the cache and hitting refresh several hundred times.

If that doesn't work, grab a few beers and come back. When it finally changes colors, stop drinking and start reading.

Nick

What the...

Fast forward a couple of years...

"daddy, why do you look like Santa Claus?"

"Well Braeden, because Aunttie Ann and Uncle Nick kept leaving their Miller F$&*ING Lite at our house every time they would come to visit. So naturally I had to drink it to cleanse the fridge of all of it's bad habits, of which there are many... like growing chocolate and cheese cake and all that yummy stuff. And the grey hair, well, dammit, that's just genetics. You just wait, you little shit."

"what's gemneticicks?"

"Go ask your mother... And grab me a beer on the way back."

Nick

I bet you think this post is about you...

It's kind of sad that when we were kids, our summer vacation was about three months. Now as adults, it's a four day weekend over the Fourth of July. And now it's over, with really the only thing to look forward to is the current week is only three work days. Woo fricken hoo...

This will not be a week to look forward to though. Let's break down why...

- I'm fat. And back out of shape. So the diet and exercise are back. For good. I have some soup for lunch instead of Taco Bell, and I'm going to force myself back into running again. And the worst part... no more alcohol.

- Except for one night when I have to take my friend out for a drink to convince him to divorce his devil wife. The hot wife and I have mentioned this couple before. Mainly her. She never shuts the hell up, and she talks about stuff that no one besides her could ever possibly care about. Like the fact that all retarded children apparently have some weird DNA marker that causes the palm of their hands to come together in a straight line when you bring your fingers towards your palm. Go ahead, try, I'll wait.

Isn't that the stupidest thing you have ever done? Or heard?

Anyways, this bitch needs to be shunned by society asap. And I refuse to be in her presence ever again. Normally I would try to help save a relationship if I felt I could help, but I just hate her. And he hates her, I know it. I just need to convince him of that.

- Did I mention no more alcohol? Or Taco Bell? Life, why are you so mean?

I guess that's not as bad as I thought. I just seriously need to get back into shape and stop slacking so much. It's a good thing really, or will be. The getting in shape I mean, not shunning Taco Bell or telling my friend to kill, er, divorce his wife. Those are bad things.

But you must balance the negative with the positive things in life. So I have started another project. It's something I have never done before and I don't know if I am any good at. Writing fiction. I want to keep this blog around, but really intended it to be more of a daddy blog. And there just isn't much of that these days. There will be though I'm sure and I think writing about it will help. Then. But now I need something else, so I think the fiction blog will help with that.

I don't think I will advertise it here, but if you email I might share the address with you. I might not. I don't really want a biased audience though. I want to see what I can develop from scratch.

Comments will be briefly allowed so you can wish me luck. Don't abuse the priviledge...

Nick

Photo Friday

Hey Ho, Cindy Sheehan is a ho!

Oh, hi Cindy... I, uh, like your tambourine...

Nick

3Doggie Dogg

Occasionally they post reader artwork to a blog called We Love Hot Dogs. I thought that, given my mastery of 3D CAD modeling, I would create a little somethin' somethin'. I did, and submitted it. Unfortunately it didn't appear to make the cut and was never posted. Hello depression... blues.... doldrums... dysphoria...

I don't create much art, and have certainly never considered myself an artist. But I like this creation, and hope you will too.

I call it, uh... 3Dog.




These were created in ProEngineer, which is a solid modeling CAD (computer aided design) software package.

Nick

To beat the hell out of a predator...

I'm sure you have all seen this show on Dateline called To Catch a Predator. Basically they pose as children online and invite goons from the internet over, and then they bust them.

I think we need to take this a step further. Why don't we all just get a few buddies together every Saturday, with a few six packs of beer, and we'll pose as kids online. And when those f'ing maggots come to the door, we'll let them in...

and pummel the f'ing shit out of them.

Maybe if there's a chance they might get their asses kicked by six or seven guys who have been drinking all day, maybe then they might think twice about molesting children.

Nick

I love you all.

This year the hot wife and I will have been together for 10 years. Since our senior year in high school. Sometimes it feels like we have always been together. When our friends talk about being together for a year or two, it's hard for me to imagine. When I see our friends fight and bicker to the point of divorce, it's even harder to imagine. We've had three close friends already get divorced and one, who we mentioned recently, well on their way.

This does not speak well for our generation. What's weird is the hot wife and I have been to all their weddings... maybe we're bad luck? Yeah f'ing right, don't blame this shit on us...

It begs the question though, what is to blame?

A couple of years ago the hot wife and I went through what has so far been the only rough patch in our lives together. She was working a lot with a new job, and I had a shit load of free time. Not a real great combination. Throw in some drugs, a lot of alcohol, and a winter from f'ing frozen hell, and some tension is bound to build up.

Most of the problems had to do with me really. The hot wife would come home stressed from work, and I would expect her to drop everything and have sex with me. Hey, I said I had lots of free time, k? Well, of course, when you come home from work stressed out, sex probably isn't the first thing on your mind. And when you just want to have sex, the last thing you want to hear about is how shitty someone's job is. So I'd get all pissed off. And then she'd get all pissed off. Let's just say it was a long winter.

Eventually this carries over into other things. You expect these situations, so you almost want to avoid each other. Start going out just to get away, which leads to trust issues. You start blaming each other, which is really just projecting your own insecurities.

What's my point in all of this? The problems the hot wife and I had that winter are the same problems I see my friends all having. Selfishness, trust issues, insecurity... All these issues are basically you wanting the person you're with to be something you want them to be. But therein lies the problem.

At some point that winter or spring, I just said f*ck it. I can't control how other people act, and I'm not going to let my feelings be controlled by something that I can't control. The only way things are going to get better is if I fully trust my wife. If I love her with everything I have. If I listen when she wants to talk about work. And dammit, I'm going to be happy, no matter what. Because I want to.

That's a hard thing to do, even though it sounds easy. Because at that point you have spent so much time focusing on the problems, and whose fault they are. But to turn that around and simply focus on the love, the happy, the good... that takes work. But it does work. When you project love, instead of insecurity, mistrust and anger, it comes back around sooner or later.

My friends never said f*ck it. They never got past the problem stage. The selfishness, insecurity and mistrust were so intense, that love just got shoved aside. And marriages were ruined. Lives ruined. Kids have divorced parents who are miserable.

Love guys. It's all about love. Let the insecurity go. Trust. Love.

And don't play with axes. I love you guys too much to see you get hurt.

Nick

A great song

If you have the ability to listen to MPEG4 (Realplayer will play them), here is an amazing song by Garrison Starr.

Garrison Starr - Pretending

She is playing in Madison, WI on July 15th, and we're seriously considering going to see her. She is an amazing musician. Some of her songs almost have a Dixie Chicks sound to it. I hate to compare people, but just so you don't think it's Death Metal or something... ahem...

DOWNLOAD THE SONG!

And then go to her website and buy her cd - Garrison Starr's website.

Nick

Wait. What happened on Saturday?

Saturday night I was so kind as to drag the hot wife along to a cookout/bonfire/drunk fest. It really started from a miscommunication. I thought she said she wanted to do something, so I made plans. I don't know if she was trying to find me something to do, get me out of the house or what, but she was a good sport and came along anyways.

The reason I wanted to go to this little event was because we'd heard thru the grapevine that this particular host couple was having some issues and possibly even considering divorce. Apparently when they get drunk, things go downhill. That's funny, I've never heard of that being an issue before...

Well, we've hung out with these drunks, er... friends, a few times, but we always leave before the fireworks go off I guess. This night I wanted to hang around, observe the situation, and then work my magic and fix everything. I'm good with this kind of stuff, you know, I'm smart. Not because I want them to stay together. I don't. She's a bitch. And I think she might be a lesbian. Not that I have anything against lesbians. Except when they're ugly and want to play naked twister with my wife...

If you just threw up in your mouth baby, I'm sorry. But it added the necessary flair to my story here.

So anyways, I load up the cooler for a night of good times, and the hot wife and I head over to this natural disaster in the making. Of course, we are the first ones, so the hot wife is stuck talking to the rabid beast, while I check out the massive garden with the host.

And then I got drunk. Reeeeeaaaaalllly drunk.

Oh, and I tried to hit someone with an axe apparently. Jokingly. As if that's possible.

Oh oh, and then they ended up getting in this huge fight and I F'ING MISSED IT, and now they're going to get divorced, and it will be all my fault, because I wasn't there to help them thru this difficult time.

I'm going to be a father in 5 months, and this is how I accept responsibility. This is how I help my friends when they need me. My kid's going to need my help some day and I'm going to whack the poor schmuck with an axe because I'm drunk.

I'm sorry Braeden. In advance.

Nick

Mason Jennings, 6/23/06, Pabst Theater in Milwaukee, WI

I realize that I'm slacking on the Mason Jennings concert review. There just seemed like there was so much else going on this weekend, it stole some of the concert's thunder. I'll try to come up with something though, for the one person who probably cares at all... me.

Besides for one friend deciding he didn't want to go at the last minute, all went well with the show. The Pabst Theater in Milwaukee is one kick ass venue for a show like that. The hot wife wasn't too excited about sitting on the second level, but it beat having to stand up when everyone else did. At least we were front row on the second level.

The show started with Teddy Thompson I don't know... I don't want to say I didn't like him, I just wasn't very impressed by his music. It bored me. But he is pretty popular, opening for Dave Matthews and playing on late night shows like the Conan O'Brian show. Check him out, maybe you'll see something I didn't.

Mason played a great show, though it was strange with the piano player. The set list was something to the effect of:

Be Here Now
Bullet
If You Need a Reason
Crown
Sorry Signs on Cash Machines
If You Ain't Got Love
Adrian
That Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven
In Your City
Jackson Square
Ulysses
Ballad For My One True Love
Damn What a Beautiful Man
Which Way Your Heart Will Go
Moon Sailing On The Water
Killers Creek
The Mountain

Encore:
Jesus Are You Real
Butterfly
Godless

I'm sure I'm missing some. I think That Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven is a John Prine cover. It was a great song, whose ever it is. I think that was the only cover he played.

I was disappointed he only played the harmonica on Crown, and only played solo on the piano for In Your City, which is my favorite song. Whoever decided to take the harmonica out of Jackson Square was wrong. Take the piano out, put the harmonica back in. There were some other songs that I like but made me sleepy. Like Ballad For My One True Love. Maybe the theater seats were too comfy, but I think I dosed off on that one. Maybe it was all the Pabst beer we were drinking. In 16 ounce cans!

Don't drink 16 ounce cans of Pabst at a show. I think I had to go to the bathroom like every 15 seconds. I should have went with mixers.

I think that's about it. I wish I had some pictures to show, but I wasn't sure if you could bring a camera in. The tickets said no cameras, but everyone had them. We snapped some with the camera phone, but I doubt they turned out. Sucky. I stole the one for this post from here.

If Mason is coming anywhere near you, go see him. For $15-$20, you can't go wrong.

Nick

Congrats! It's a.....

It's a boy!

Everything looked good and healthy. He has all his fingers and toes. And so far he is a very active boy. He didn't sit still at all during the ultrasound.

By the way... I'm too lazy to erase our last name from the pics. But don't stalk us please.

Nick

F*&% it, let's all run for the border...

Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.

I was listening to a couple of co-workers this morning talking. Both have daughters. One was saying that he heard on the radio on the way in that girls in high school are more and more using... hmmm... how do I say this appropriately... uh, girl on girl action, to attract the attention of boys.

They're kissing each other more. Touching. More. Not because they like each other, but because they want all the little boys to think they're wild and crazy.

"You ever come across anything... like time travel?"

Where the hell was this trend when I was in high school? Huh? There were no girls kissing in my high school. Of course, there were no girls wearing short mini skirts either, which apparently is the trend these days.

What changed, and when did it change?

"Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace?"

It has to be the work of the internet. The ever increasingly immoral internet. So wonderful, yet, so wonderfully... immoral. Because you don't see this stuff on tv. Unless of course you are up late enough to catch those Girls Gone Wild informercials.

I mean... I've heard they are on late at night. I haven't stayed up past midnight in years.

By the way, where do you think the Girls Gone Wild girls hang out when they are not on spring break? Not in Wisconsin, that I assure you.

Where was I? Oh yeah, girls kissing. MMMM... Ahh... Ohhh...

"Easy, I've already looked into it for myself."

I wonder if women understand men's fascination with women kissing each other. It's kind of like this... Women, you like to buy shoes right? Well, let's imagine you could buy one shoe, or you could buy two shoes. You're going to buy two shoes, right? Because... you probably have two feet.... Maybe this was a bad example.

Ok, how about if you could eat one Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco from Taco Bell, or you could eat two. You're gonna eat two, right? You could eat one. You like to eat one. You're more than happy spending your life with just one Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco from Taco Bell. But if you could choose, you'd pick two. It's not always feasible to have two, but sometimes you just want to go all out.

So there you have it. Where else do you get sex explained to you using Taco Bell analogies?

So like women like their shoes and Ranchero Chicken Soft Tacos, men like their women. Two to a pair brother...

"Right on... right on."

Nick

Lookey, Lookey...

Well, well, well... look at me.

I have a college degree.



'bout damn time...

Nick